My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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