U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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