When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
