So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
