your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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