It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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