Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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