Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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