I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
