Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
