i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
