You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
