when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
