So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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