i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize