Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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