I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
