worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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