pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
