Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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