I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
