I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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