clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
