New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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