Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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