Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
