I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
