I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
