come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
