Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
