god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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