You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
