ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
