it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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