There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
