So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
