i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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