Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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