god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
did i just pee glitter
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