Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize