If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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