The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
