did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize