Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
