you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
