Quick, to the slutcave!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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