I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
