Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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