if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
