i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
