I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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