i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize