mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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