My liver just broke up with me...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
