She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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