Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
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