Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
