Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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