So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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