I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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