i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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