I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
