im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i was born a porn star she said
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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