hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
