I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize