Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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