My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
