Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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