He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
