remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
